


Wild and Running

by Ren_rum



Category: Black Veil Brides
Genre: Andley - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22828699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ren_rum/pseuds/Ren_rum
Summary: ]Andy, the charismatic singer, and frontman is slowly struggling to keep up. Debilitating anxiety and self-doubt have made him second guess his decision to do any of it. At only 19 he’s facing life-changing decisions and fending off the vultures that haunt Hollywood. He’s away from home and essentially alone.Ashley struggles to help the young boy to keep it together long enough to keep appearances up but how long will he be able to? He took a gamble on Andy and with Black Veil as his last chance to make it in music he’s not about to give up. How deep will he go to save a kid he barely knows?A story about the loss of innocence, will Andy give in to the temptations of rock n’ roll? Will he rise above the sex, drugs, alcohol and recklessness that spells the end of so many would-be stars? Or will he become another casualty of Sunset Boulevard?
Relationships: Andy Biersack/Ashley Purdy
Kudos: 1





	1. Plastic Scene

It genuinely puzzled Andy why anyone would enjoy parties. Despite the countless ones he’d been to (more like forced to go to) since moving to Hollywood he’d yet to figure it out. As far as the nineteen-year-old could see they were loud, hot, crowded and ended in people passing out or puking. Not exactly his idea of a good time, but that didn’t change the fact that attending the godforsaken things was practically mandatory if you want to succeed. As Black Veil Brides’ new manager had put it ‘think of all your favorite bands, how many of them got famous because they stayed at home on Friday nights?’ point taken… 

The singer couldn’t help but think that his time would be better spent preparing for their upcoming tour. In three days the band would be on the road for their ‘Entertainment or Death’ tour as the headliner. He had been assured that things were going to be taken care of, supplies, tour bus, riders, gear, all of it would be ready in 72 hours. 

“What are you doing out here by yourself?” A stranger’s voice broke through Andy’s thoughts. 

The person in front of him was a scantily dressed bottle-blonde woman. Her clearly fake boobs were stuffed into a tight mini dress, and she seemed unstable in her ruby red stilettos. There was never a shortage of carbon copies of women like her at band parties. Hollywood was infested with them, wannabe actresses, singer, and gold diggers. All of them hoping to hop on some musician’s dick just before he made it big. 

“Ya ain’t gonna answer me?” she huffed, placing her hands on her thin hips. 

“I’m smoking,” Andy replied, holding up his fifth cigarette of the night. 

“But all by yourself? They’re doing shots inside don’t you wanna come join?”   
“I don’t drink,” Andy stated coldly. 

No drugs, no drinking, no wild sex. He’d made a vow to himself that unlike all his rock heroes he wouldn’t make that mistake. What use was making it big if you couldn’t remember any of it? Besides, he wasn’t even old enough to drink. After almost six months of living in Hollywood, he’d kept his promise to himself and wasn’t about to break it to impress some bimbo. 

“You’re in a band, and you don’t drink?” she laughed, the judgmental tone of her voice cut him like a knife. 

“Weird right, it’s almost like I have morals.” tossing his cigarette on the ground, the singer stood up, turning his back on the woman and walking inside. 

The smell of booze and weed was overwhelming to his senses as he made his way to where the rest of his band was. The panic of being surrounded by so many people was starting to build in his gut. Subconsciously, he grasped at it, trying to calm the feeling. He realized how ridiculous it was to have anxiety at parties. How in the world could he go on stage where he was the center of attention but being in a room of strangers at a party sent him into panic attacks? 

Ashley eyed his younger bandmate. Andy’s crystal blue eyes gave away how uncomfortable he was. They shifted around the room frantically, searching for a place he could hide. The bassist took another sip of his beer. Perhaps he should have let Andy skip the party tonight. It had been him that insisted Andy come. Ashley knew the importance that ‘stupid’ parties could have. If it weren’t for them they wouldn’t have run into Jake and Jinxx; valuable parts of their band. You never knew who you might run into, and as a new band, you had to be in everyone’s face. 

Andy was downright miserable at them. He insisted on not drinking which already made him the odd man out. The older man had to hand it to him that it was a respectable choice. Ashley sure as hell wished he had that strength when he first started his music career. If he had avoided drugs and alcohol then maybe he would be more successful than a Myspace emo band. 

“Six, over here,” he shouted over the music. 

Andy maneuvered his thin body through the crowd and over to where Ashley was. The kid was beautiful, no doubt about that. His piercing blue eyes stood out against the black eye makeup he wore, and his plump lips were coated with a powder pink lip gloss. Long black hair framed his porcelain face and fell over his frail shoulders. There was no denying it, Andy’s looks were the reason the band got so popular so fast. The fangirls just ate it up, androgynous emo boys in makeup were the ‘in’ thing. 

“Where have you been hiding doll face?”  
“I was just smoking outside… it’s hot in here.” Andy had an impossibly deep voice that didn’t seem like it belonged to him. Ashley liked it though, it made him unique. 

“You’re going to ruin your vocal cords doing that.” he teased. 

The sound of a bottle shattering across the room caused Andy to almost jump out of his skin. He just wanted to leave.. immediately. Ashley didn’t even seem to register the noise, he was used to the scene. 

“You alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”   
“I-I’m fine.” Andy stuttered. 

The younger boy looked up to Ashley. The man seemed to have it all together. Nothing bothered him, nothing upset him, he was the poster child for cool. At almost twelve years older, Andy wished he had the experience and knowledge that Ashley did. The last thing he wanted was for Ash to think he was some loser kid who didn’t belong here. 

“Whatever you say, anyways it’s getting late what do you say we round up the others and bounce?”

“I mean yeah.. if you’re ready to go,” Andy said, silently thanking the god he didn’t believe in for his chance to escape. 

—

Andy stared up at the ceiling fan spinning above him. He was finally home, or at least he was finally back to the place he called home. The apartment that he Jake and Ashley shared was far from what he was used to. The place was a dump, it was falling apart and way overpriced. Between the three of them, they could barely afford the two-bedroom pig sty. His ‘room’ consisted of a beat up mattress on the floor, a pile of clothes, a couple posters, and a suitcase. 

He’d given up his room at home, full of his childhood furniture and clean for this. One day he’d have his own home, and all of this would be a distant memory. No more parties, no more worrying over bills, no more sleeping on the floor. But what if that wasn’t what happened? 

The overwhelming sense of dread started to fill his mind, he fought against it but failed. What if the band didn’t make it, what if everyone was lying to him about having what it takes? What if they failed and couldn’t make rent? After what his parents said to him when he left would they even let him come home? Crawling back to Ohio.. to everyone who said he wouldn’t be shit. Proving them all right… 

Tears threatened to fall as the young boy shut his eyes, willing the thoughts to go away. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t free himself from his mind. For nineteen years he’d tried to escape himself, and he thought a fresh start would do that. It hadn’t. Now he was stuck, and he felt like the floor could fall out from under him at any moment. 

Ashley tossed a few dirty dishes into the overflowing sink. His buzz was starting to wear off, and a nagging headache was developing in his brain. He had to be up early the next day to go over the expenses for the tour. He sighed, leaning back against the counter. Thoughts started racing through his mind, there was so much to do before they left. Bills had to be paid, Jake’s dog had to be taken care of, the place had to be cleaned, plus there was still packing. Then there was the thought that had lodged itself inside his head for months. Andy. 

Ashley worried about Andy. He could tell that the kid was unstable. When he first met him and agreed to support his band he had no idea. Andy presented as someone with the confidence of a god. He had sold himself well, he’d even lied about the band. The truth was that he didn’t even have members, it was just an idea and a cheap music video. Ashley had bought into all of it and agreed to own the band with him (and foot the bill). It was a huge gamble, and it was actually starting to pay off. 

He quickly was starting to realize though that the problem may not be the band, the problem might be that he was now tied to a kid who was in over his head. He wanted Andy to succeed, but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to. 

This next tour would put him to the test. At almost two months long it would be the band’s longest tour yet. Time will tell he figured.


	2. Say You'll Haunt Me

Andy stared at his overstuffed suite case. Nearly all of his belongings were jammed inside, everything he needed for the next two months was in there. The singer sat down on his mattress, looking around his room. Two months of having his legs cramped inside those little bunks, of living off gas station food and cigarettes. At least this tour they actually had a bus instead of that godforsaken van. 

‘I should be grateful’ he thought to himself. Here he was living his dream, but all he could do was worry. It was a lot harder than he’d anticipated though. As much as he hated his life in Ohio, he sort of missed it. Things were moving so fast here. It felt like all the fans, fame and attention came about overnight. Granted the band was still reasonably small, it was still a shock. 

There was constant pressure to be perfect. All the fans expect this superhero Andy ‘Six’ character. That person wasn’t real. Whenever Andy was on stage, he was this larger than life figure, no fear, no self-doubt, full of confidence… The truth was that he was drowning. Drowning in all the press, pressure and criticism. It seemed like every day there was a new article out about how Black Veil Brides was nothing more than a wannabe KISS band. The young boy never expected the hatred that would get. 

It was just like high school with all the names that were thrown at him. Everyone was waiting for him to fail and they would all laugh and say ‘I told you so’ when it happened. How did people deal with this? Of course, he knew the answer, in his short time in Hollywood he’d found the answer. Drugs, alcohol, sex, all things that led to self-destruction. 

“Andy you in there?” Ash knocked on the door. 

“Oh yeah, um just finishing up packing,” he responded as the bassist walked in. 

“You alright?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Mhm..” Andy forced a smile. Oh, you know just having second thoughts about my entire life plan because I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do this he thought. 

“Well, are you ready? The bus is going to be here any minute, and if you want to pick your bunk before the rest of the guys, I suggest you get your ass down there.” 

—

The last row, bottom left. That was where he’d sleep for two whole months. Andy sighed and threw his stuff in. At least there was a private lounge area in the back of the bus. He wished he knew before committing to life on the road how poorly he did in buses. He’d never had car sickness before, but an entire tour in a cramped van sure did him in. So sleeping while the bus was in motion was out of the question, but maybe he could get in some writing in the back. 

The rest of the band was up front, figuring out how to work the flat screen. Ashley had already broken out the liquor to celebrate. Andy felt out of place up there, what fun was watching his friends get drunk? 

“Andy! Get your ass up here and come do a shot ya’ pussy!” CC yelled from up front. 

The singer rolled his eyes before making his way up front. CC shoved a shot glass overflowing with whiskey into Andy’s hand. “Join in.” 

“Uh… no thanks.”   
“Ah come on man, what’s one shot. We’re finally on a major tour, we’ve got to celebrate” Jake encouraged. 

Andy looked at the golden liquid. He’d drank before, just once when he was 13. He’d gone to a party (not one he was invited to of course) and gotten super drunk on cheap beer. He’d been so eager to impress the ‘cool’ kids that he just started slamming beers, the whole night was a blackout. What he did remember was puking his guts up the next morning. Not exactly something he’d enjoyed. 

“Really. I’m fine.” he insisted, handing the shot back. 

“I’m gonna get you drunk on this tour, mark my words.” CC laughed, nudging the singer. 

“I don’t know, I kind of respect that Andy doesn’t drink. Now if only you’d quit that nasty habit of smoking.” Ashley added in, coming to his defense. 

Jake, Jinxx, CC, and Ash all clinked their glasses together before downing the first shot of tour. Two months.. let’s go. 

–

Ashley paced around the front of the bus, absentmindedly watching the street lights zip by. He had no idea what time it was, but it was late. The rest of the guys had retired to their bunks, but he stayed up. Tomorrow was the first show, one of many. He was excited, the thrill of the stage was something he’d missed. This tour was important, more so than any of the guys understood. If they could do well, then things would only go up from here. 

If they could prove that they could do this, then maybe their chances of making it big time could become a reality. A few shows had already sold out, that was a good sign. Black Veil had to show that they could pack venues. 

The band had a good sized fan base, but they were still seen as nothing more than a couple dudes in makeup and women’s clothes. Which, while true didn’t mean they couldn’t actually play as well. 

No use worrying about it now, time would tell.. better to get some rest. He walked back into the bunk area, his bunk was directly across from Andy’s. Speaking of which, Andy’s bunk was wide open and empty. 

A light was seeping out from under the door that led to the lounge. He pressed the door, cracking it open slightly. Andy was sitting on the couch, hunched over with his head in his hands. 

“Andy..?”

The younger boy jumped at the sound of his voice, quickly wiping at his eyes. His black makeup was smeared in faint trails down his pale cheeks. He’d clearly been crying. 

“Are you okay? What are you doing up?” Ashley asked, closing the door behind him. 

“I’m f-fine, I’m just… I can’t sleep I guess.” his normally confident voice was shaky and broken. 

Ashley walked over to the boy, carefully sitting down next to him. Andy looked away, hiding behind a veil of jet black hair. The bassist shifted his weight awkwardly. Emotions were never something he was good with, and if he’d learned anything about Andy, it was that he had a lot of them. 

Andy seemed to feel everything intensely. 

“Come on kid what’s wrong? Did something happen?” After a few moments of silence, he finally responded.   
“What if I can’t do it…” Andy whispered. 

“Can’t-do what?”  
“All of it. What if I can’t live this life, what if I fail?” Andy looked over at the man next to him, his powder blue eyes were red from crying. 

“Aw Andy.. of course, you can. You’ve made it a hell of a lot farther than most people do. We’re on a headlining tour, we’re making it.”   
“I know that, but what if I can’t handle it?”   
“You’re strong, of course, you’ll be able to,” Ashley assured him. 

Andy bit his tongue. He wanted to trust Ashley, to tell him everything he’d been hiding inside. He barely knew the man though, and he didn’t want Ashley to feel like he’d taken a chance on him for nothing. The truth was that Ashley’s fate was riding on his being able to keep it together as well. Andy knew this was about more than just him, four other people’s careers were at stake. Which only made him feel worse…

“Look, I know this is probably stressful. It’s a lot to take in, but you’ll be fine. Plus you’re not doing it alone. You’ve got the guys and me.” Ashley hoped that the kid would snap out of it, this was just the first night. It’s probably all nerves. 

Andy nodded, looking down at his lap. Ashley looked the boy over, how could anyone like Andy be so self-doubtful? He was.. breathtaking and talented. He’d seen that kid absolutely command the crowd, he was a natural on stage. Why in the world would he think he couldn’t do it? 

Ashley tilted Andy’s chin up, leaning in close to him. “Hey, if I thought you didn’t have it in you I would have never agreed to do this with you. Okay?” 

Andy bit his lip, “Okay.” he whispered. Ashley stared into the singer’s eyes, fighting back an overwhelming urge to kiss him. 

That was the intention with Andy from the start, that’s why he even gave him the time of day. Ashley had a thing for pretty boys, something he kept secret except for a couple of close friends. Andy was his type. When he first laid eyes on him after finding his ad online, he had every intention of sweet talking him into bed. Just a one night stand, no need to get involved in some kid’s drama. 

Andy had impressed him though, the kid really had something good with his band. Ashley made the ‘business’ decision that he would actually join the band and cross out the one night stand idea. That didn’t stop him from still wanting it though. God, he wanted it… 

Andy rested his forehead against the older man’s. A shiver went down Ashley’s spine as he felt Andy’s breath against his lips. He needed to stop this, now. 

“So it’s settled then. No more doubting yourself, and no more tears.” Ashley said, leaning back and patting Andy on the back.

“Y-Yeah… no more.” Andy stuttered. 

Andy watched Ashley walk out, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. What the hell was that about he asked himself? He really thought that Ashley was about to kiss him, and he was going to let him? Would he let him? 

‘Of course, I wouldn’t let him, I mean that would be gay.. and I’m not’ he thought to himself. Okay, so maybe he had kissed a couple of guys before, but that was just normal teenage experimenting right? He’d had sex with a girl before that meant he couldn’t be gay.. only he’d hated it. The truth was he didn’t enjoy having sex with that girl back in high school, but maybe it was just her. Everyone knew she was loose… 

And yeah maybe he did have some thoughts that involved guys, and maybe he gets off a few times to those thoughts, but that was normal right? He would never actually do any of that in real life. He just hadn’t met the right girl yet, that was all. 

All in all, just another thing that haunted him…


	3. No Rain Drops On Roses

Andy’s blood was boiling. His icy blue eyes were locked onto a man near the side of the stage. He was clearly out of place among the young screaming fangirls that made up the majority of the audience. He was probably around their age, dressed in a black jean vest and ‘Iron Maiden T-shirt. He had a long black beard and several facial piercings. He clearly wasn’t here to see Black Veil Brides, all throughout their first few songs he was flipping them off, and mouthing the word ‘faggot’ at Andy. 

Ashley noticed the man, flipping him the middle finger back. Typical hecklers, they had been showing up at their shows since the start. Something about pretty boys in makeup really got under the skin of metalheads. Most of them were just club regulars who liked to make their disapproval known. Ashley didn’t think much of them, not everyone is going to like you. As long as they weren’t hurting fans, he could care less. Andy on the other hand… it just seemed to eat at him. 

The word faggot had always been somewhat of a trigger word for Andy. It was the word of choice for all the bullies that relentlessly went after him his whole school career. His memories of middle and high school were filled with the taunts of the ‘cool’ kids. In high school, someone even spray painted ‘fag’ on his locker. That’s what he got for being different, for not looking like the all American jock. 

Even after he lost weight, even after being ‘emo’ became cool, it never stopped. It was the main reason he dropped out when he was sixteen, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

Fat, stupid, ugly, loser, freak, devil worshiper, worthless, he’d heard it all. Faggot, that one bothered him the most. He kept telling himself that it wasn’t true, they were just saying that. They were just trying to hurt him. Couldn’t they see? He had more women begging to fuck him than they ever would. 

Being in a band, being in the public eye; it was just like high school. Only somehow worse… He got called the same names. The words affected him just as much. 

The song ended, and the stage lights came on, lighting up the crowd. “Hey, hey, can I get everyone to be quiet real quick?” Andy asked, setting his eyes on the man. 

“This motherfucker has been flipping us off the whole show,” he said, pointing out the guy. The hoard of fans turned their attention to him, booing and yelling things. 

“You got a fucking problem with me tough guy?” Andy challenged, walking up to the edge of the stage. 

“Yeah, I don’t like fucking faggots!” the man yelled back, smirking. 

“Faggot? You think I’m a fucking faggot? You fucking wish you fat piece of shit! Suck my fucking dick!” Andy yelled, the anger finally boiling over. 

The fans started to cheer and chant his name which only fueled his adrenaline. He felt someone grab his shoulder, pulling him back a bit, “Andy… that’s enough just let it go” Ashley whispered in his ear. 

“You think you’re just going to come to our show and fucking call me a faggot? You must be fucking in love with me or something. So why don’t you go home and fucking jack off to this?” the younger boy’s normally calm voice was laced with spite. 

He felt hysterical and out of control like someone else was speaking. The man lurched forward towards the stage. Before he could make it more than a few steps though security was on him, wrestling him towards the exit. The fans went wild, once again chanting the singer’s name. 

“That’s right get the fuck out of here!” Andy yelled before taking a deep breath and trying to compose himself. “I’m sorry everyone, I just get a little heated sometimes.” 

The rest of the show went without incident, but Andy couldn’t calm down. With shaking hands he left the stage, the adrenaline and rage still pumping through his veins. He slammed his fist into the wall of the green room, the force leaving a slight indentation. 

“Hey, hey, hey, that’s enough.” Ashley proclaimed, grabbing the singer by the arm and pulling him back. 

“Let go of me!” Andy screamed, jerking his arm free. 

The next thing he knew he was slammed against the wall, Ashley had both his arms pinned. “Fucking cool it kid, it’s a fucking heckler let it go!” he growled. Despite being shorter, Ashley was stronger than Andy. 

“You can’t keep fucking blowing up to anyone who calls you a name. You’re an adult act like it.”   
“Why am I just going to let someone call me a fucking faggot?!”   
“Oh my god Andy, it’s a word.” Ashley rolled his eyes, letting the singer go. 

“Yeah, and I got called it my whole fucking life. Excuse me for standing up for myself.”   
“Well, it looks really bad when you fucking fight people like that on stage. That shit could cost us opportunities, who wants to work with a band that throws a hissy fit on stage?” 

Logically, Andy knew that Ashley was right. It was a bad look to fly off the handle over little things, and venues didn’t want to book artist that did that. Emotionally though, Andy couldn’t accept it. It cut too deep. 

“Fuck that!” Andy spat. 

“Oh yeah, fuck our careers. Get a grip on yourself you sound like a child. Why do you even care what they think? Just ignore them. You know what they say isn’t true so who cares?!” 

Andy shook his head, digging through his bag for his pack of cigarettes. His hands were shaking as he struggled to light it, inhaling deeply. He waited for the rush of nicotine to calm his nerves, but it wasn’t cutting it tonight. He tried to keep the tears from falling. He wasn’t even sad, he was just so fucking angry. Mostly at himself, Ashley was right he shouldn’t let someone make him act like that. 

“Just sit down and cool off for a bit, we’ve still got the signing to do,” Ashley said before leaving the singer by himself. 

—

Andy watched as Ashley flirted with the busty bartender. It was after midnight, and all the fans from the show were long gone. All the bands on tour had decided to get drinks at the bar across the street to celebrate the first show. They were all pretty plastered at this point, all except Andy and the guys from Motionless in White. 

Since he wasn’t drinking that left him at a table all by himself, sipping on a diet coke. He had no interest in the drunken foolery and desperate attempts to bed the hostess that was going on. He flipped through tweets about the show, mostly fans talking about how he ‘sure did show that hater.’ 

“Hey, is this seat taken?” Andy looked up to see a man standing in front of him. He looked like he was in his 30′s, with long brown hair tied back in a messy bun. His arms were covered in black tribal tattoos, and he had emerald green eyes. 

“Um, I guess not?” Andy replied, taking another drink of his soda. 

“Awesome, just so you know I’m not a creep or anything. I was at your show.” the mystery man flashed a smile, showing off his pearly white teeth. 

“Oh, really?”  
“Yeah. I mean it’s sort of my job. I work at the venue, I’m one of the sound techs. I liked the set though.” 

Andy smiled, “Thanks.” 

“Sorry about that guy by the way. He’s a regular, and he likes to try and cause a scene with bands he doesn’t like. I’m Ryan by the way.” he said, extending a hand. 

Andy hesitated before shaking it. “I’m Andy.”

“So why aren’t you over there with the rest of your band Andy?” the way the man said his name made a shiver go down the singer’s spine. 

“I don’t really drink, it’s not my thing.”   
“That’s respectable. You smoke?” Ryan asked, holding up a pack of cigarettes. 

“Yeah.”  
“Wanna go outside then? You seem kind of bored in here. Plus it’s quieter out back.”   
“Sure.. why not,” Andy said, a million questions running through his mind. 

Who the fuck was this guy? And why did he give a shit about him? Either way, if it meant free cigarettes, then Andy would entertain whatever it was this guy wanted to talk about. He probably was hoping to snag a gig as one of their tech guys or something for a future tour. 

Andy followed Ryan out behind the bar. The cool night air was refreshing compared to the stuffiness of the bar. Ryan handed him a cigarette, lighting it for him. 

“So you liked our show?” Andy asked, breaking the awkward silence. 

“Well I mean, I liked you,” he smirked, leaning against the brick wall of the bar. 

“Um, thanks?” Andy blushed, nervously messing with his hair. 

“I’m not really into glam-rock, but you held my interest.” he chuckled. Andy could feel the man’s eyes on him. 

Andy finished his cigarette before tossing it onto the concrete. His heart was pounding in his chest, but he kind of liked the feeling. He felt the rush of hormones go through his body. This guy wasn’t looking for a job with the band that was for sure. He stepped closer to the man, almost as if on autopilot. His brain was screaming at him that he should go back inside, but he didn’t obey. 

“You’re very beautiful.” Ryan purred, letting his burnt out cigarette fall to the ground. He wrapped a hand around Andy’s waist, pulling him in. 

“I’ve been told that before.” Andy smiled, draping his arms over Ryan’s shoulders. 

The older man leaned in, hesitating only inches from Andy’s lips. Andy closed the distance, locking lips with the other man. Ryan’s hands drifted down to grab the singer’s ass. Andy’s mind was racing, how did he end up here? Like this? He didn’t want to stop though, he wanted more. He was beyond starved for affection. 

“Mm- fuck” Andy moaned into the kiss. He shut his eyes, feeling himself get hard as Ryan kissed down his jawline, nipping at his neck. Their lips found each other once again. 

Ryan’s hands were all over Andy’s body. Slowly though the euphoric feeling started to fade as the reality hit the singer. ‘Oh god what am I doing?’ he thought, feeling the panic rise in chest. 

“S-Stop!” Andy yelled, pushing the man off of him. 

Ryan gave him a bewildered look before he could even get a word out Andy ran back into the bar. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, what the fuck was he doing?! He felt a sick feeling sinking into the pit of his stomach. He needed to get out of this place… now. 

“We’ve got to go!” Andy stated, practically grabbing Ashley by the collar. The rest of the band was nowhere to be found, probably already back on the bus. 

“What? Why?” Ashley stammered, clearly not wanting to leave the hostess he’d been charming the whole night. 

Andy looked behind him to see if Ryan had followed him inside. He hadn’t, but that didn’t make him feel any better. The sick feeling was getting worse, and he could feel his gag reflex starting to kick in. “We just have to go now!” Andy insisted. 

He bursts through the doors of the bar that led out front. Ashley followed closely behind him. “What the fuck Six? What are you freaking out about?” 

Andy’s legs were shaking as he braced himself against a trashcan by the curb. He pushed his hair back before throwing up the little he’d had to eat that night. The images from minutes ago kept flashing through his mind as he struggled to catch his breath. 

He dry heaved a few more times before finally managing to calm down enough to get a deep breath in. Ashley was standing a few feet away, staring at the singer. 

“What?” Andy asked, wiping his lips. 

“Are you really not going to fucking explain all that? Dude I was this close to banging that chick, and you freak the fuck out and pull me away?!”   
“I want to leave. Where are the other guys?”   
“On the fucking bus, Andy what the fuck?” 

Andy’s heart was still beating wildly in his chest, and he started to feel sick all over again. “I-I just really need to get out of here.” 

Ashley sighed, realizing that something was clearly wrong with the younger boy. “Okay, well you’re not going to throw up anymore are you?” 

“No.. I’m fine. I just had.. a panic attack or something. Let’s just get on the bus.. please?” Andy said, looking around frantically. 

“Bus it is then, but you owe me.”


	4. Lost In A Thousand People

Andy frantically scrubbed at his skin. The steam from the shower filled his lungs, making it even harder to breathe. His body paint had long since been washed off, but he couldn’t get the feeling of Ryan’s hands off. Why did he let things go as far as they did? He should have just told the guy to fuck off, that he wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. The worst part was that he didn’t even know what had gotten into him. 

What if he hadn’t stopped Ryan when he did? Things surely would have gone further, but how much further? Would he really have let that guy fuck him? The regret and disgust were gnawing at his brain. The scene just kept replaying itself over and over again. 

He could thank his Catholic upbringing for it. He had to beg his parents to switch him to public school. The all-boys religious school he went to most his school life had preached about the sins of being gay. How horrible it was, and all the awful ways God punished the gays. Andy never believed in God, but that didn’t change the fact that when he was questioning his sexuality, he was sent a clear message. Liking men was wrong. 

He had no problem with gay people, in fact, some of his best friends were. He was a huge advocate for gay rights, but the thought of actually being so himself? It haunted him. And if his dad found out? Let’s just say the fight they had about him moving to Hollywood wouldn’t even begin to compare. 

Guild, shame, repulsion, agony.. he felt it all. 

“Stop…” he tried to plead with his brain. 

“Just leave me alone, oh god..” he whispered, desperate to forget the entire night. 

He wished that he could quiet the voice in his head, even just for a few hours. People had no idea the hell he lived in. Everyone thought that he was so confident and perfect, and oh god was he anything but. Should he be in therapy? Probably. Should he be on medication? Yeah. But was he? Of course not, it was much easier to self-destruct than work on problems. 

The water coming out of the shower head had run cold. The cramped bus bathroom barely had enough room for him to move in, but at least he felt clean-ish now. He brushed and dried his hair before pulling on a pair of black sweatpants. 

Please let Ashley be asleep, he thought. The last thing he wanted was to be interrogated by him. The singer had slipped into the bathroom before Ashley could force him to explain the situation at the bar. He felt terrible about ruining Ashley’s chances with that chick, but it wasn’t like he couldn’t pick up some chick at the next venue. If Ashley was good at anything, it was wooing women. 

Cautiously, he opened the door. The bus was dark and quiet, everyone else must have retired to their bunks for the night. Andy took a step out and then he saw him. Arms crossed, standing in front of the door to the bunks. Shit. 

“So?” he asked. 

“So what?” Andy played dumb. “You’re kidding, right? What the hell got into you tonight? The show and then the bar?” Ashley scolded. 

“The show was just me defending myself. And the bar is none of your business really.” Andy didn’t want to talk about this, especially not at two in the morning. 

“Did something happen? You can’t just freak out like that and pretend like it didn’t happen.” Ashley insisted. 

“It doesn’t even matter. I had a panic attack.”   
“Over what?”  
“It. Doesn’t. Matter.” Andy said through clenched teeth. 

“Okay, fine. I won’t push it anymore. No more of that nonsense though, it’s going to be a long two months if you’re going to be acting like this every night.” Ashley sighed, giving in. 

“I’m not going to,” Andy assured him. 

“Are you at least okay now?”   
“… I honestly don’t know. Tonight took a lot out of me.” Andy whispered, looking down at his feet. 

“That’s just because it was the first show, that’s always a crazy one.”   
“I just wish I could shut off my brain.”   
“Yeah well, that’s why people turn to drugs and drinking kid. You’ve just got to learn how to deal with it.” Ashley said, patting the singer on the back. 

Ashley could see it in Andy’s eyes, the boy wasn’t okay. Something was eating at him. There wasn’t anything he could do to help him though if Andy didn’t want help. The older man could see the crash happening, almost as if in slow motion. Andy was falling, and he wasn’t about to let anyone catch him. 

“Can I be honest with you?” the bassist asked. 

“Uh.. sure.”   
“You’re going to crash and burn. If you don’t get yourself under control and deal with whatever it is that you’re dealing with. Then you’re not going to make it. I’ve been around in this business for a while, and I’ve seen it happen. Hell, it almost happened to me.” 

Andy swallowed hard, Ashley’s words hit him like daggers. “I know that. I’ve got it under control.” he lied. 

Ashley shook his head. “You don’t, but if you want to live under that delusion, then I can’t stop you.” 

The older man had been where Andy was before. When he was Andy’s age, he was crippled with anxiety, self-doubt and he was running from himself. He got involved with drinking and drugs, heroin to be exact. He thought that it would solve all his problems because he didn’t have to feel things anymore. His band he’d worked so hard to build was failing, but when he was high, he didn’t care. It took three overdoses and almost dying before he came to his senses and cleaned up his act. He hoped that’s not what it took Andy. Rock bottom is a long way down. 

“Well sorry, we can’t all have ourselves figured out like you do,” Andy said, rolling his eyes. 

“You’re so unbelievably stubborn do you know that? I’m trying to help you. I’m on your fucking side kid, but it’s almost like you want to be miserable.”   
“Fuck off.”   
“Okay, bye then,” Ashley said, turning around and walking away. 

Ashley closed the door that separated the front from the bunks. He hesitated, watching the singer through the crack in the door. Andy bit his lip, sitting down on the couch and breaking down. He held his face in his hands, his thin body shaking. Ashley cursed under his breath before opening the door and walking over to the boy. 

Andy knew Ashley was standing in front of him but didn’t even look up. Ashley sat down beside the boy, wrapping his arms around him. “It’s going to be okay Andy..” 

Andy debated pushing Ashley away, telling him to just go to sleep. He hated looking weak, especially in front of people like Ashley. He was so desperate to have someone tell him things would be okay though. Finally, he gave in to that want, resting his head against Ashley’s shoulder and taking in a shaky breath. 

“I made a mistake tonight.,” Andy whispered. 

“A mistake? What did you do? Do you mean that guy at the show?”  
“No… at the bar.” 

Ashley raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?” 

Andy already regretted saying anything. It was too late now though, the hell with it. “There was a guy there that worked at the venue from tonight.” 

“And?” Ashley pressed. 

“I ended up making out with him,” Andy said quietly, all the shame hitting him again. 

“That’s it? That’s what had you freaked out?” Ashley had to stop himself from laughing. 

“Uh yeah? I’m not fucking gay.”   
“So you just have a habit of making out with random dudes then?” Ashley didn’t believe Andy for a second. 

“No! I don’t know why I did it. But I feel absolutely disgusted” Andy felt the panic starting to rise in him again. 

“Why does it matter? I’ve done far worse when I was drunk than make out with someone. Who cares?”   
“I do..” 

“So you’re all freaked out because you kissed some guy at a bar. Why?”   
“Because…”   
“Because what? That would mean you liked guys? Is that what you’re worried about?” 

“Let’s just drop it,” Andy said, looking away. 

“Oh, my god kid, who the fuck cares.”   
“I don’t like guys,” Andy stated coldly. 

“Okay, whatever you say.”   
“You don’t believe me?” Andy snapped, turning around and glaring at Ashley. 

“Honestly? No, I don’t. I’ve never seen you even look at a chick, but that’s not my thing to figure out. That’s yours.” Ashley said, being completely honest with Andy. 

“Well, I’m telling you that I’m not.” Andy huffed. 

“Then get over tonight, if that’s true then don’t let it bother you. It’s that simple.”   
“I wish it were that simple..” 

Ashley sighed and brushed the singer’s hair back. Andy’s eyes showed his struggle, and it pained the older man that he couldn’t do anything to help him. The kid had so much shit to figure out. At only nineteen there were so many things he needed to learn, and tour wasn’t the place to do that.


	5. Welcome To The City Of Sin

Las Vegas, Nevada. 

Andy was never found on the place, mostly because unless you were 21 you couldn’t do jack shit there. The rest of the guys were absolutely ecstatic. The show was sold out, and they were all staying at the Hard Rock Hotel tonight. That meant a full night of partying and sleeping off the hangovers in a real bed. Which also meant another night of Andy awkwardly trying to avoid conversations and sink into the background of whatever godforsaken bar party they ended up in. 

“You guys we’re getting so fucked up tonight.” CC beamed, grabbing a beer from the bus’ mini fridge. 

“You’re damn right we are,” Jinxx said. 

“You coming out with us tonight?” Jake asked, looking over at Andy. 

“Do I have a choice?”  
“Not really. You’ll have fun, I mean come on it’s Vegas.” the guitarist laughed. 

Andy rolled his eyes, not wanting to get into it. They would be at the venue soon, and that meant he could finally have a cigarette. The worst part of tour was not being able to smoke on the bus. That meant hours on end dealing with nicotine cravings and motion sickness, not exactly the way to get into the mood before a show. 

The younger boy tuned out the rambling of his band for the remainder of the ride. His mind was still flooded with regrets from the previous night. He hardly slept at all, and that wasn’t helping the matter. He felt like it was written on his face ‘Hey my name is Andy, and I made out with a random guy last night.’ It was so unlike him to do that with anyone… He never understood the want to hook up with people you didn’t even know. 

The rest of his band seemed to love one night stands, but he just thought it was kind of trashy. He knew that last night shouldn’t bother him. A few minutes of making out was a far cry from fucking someone. He had kissed guys before, but he’d never made out with a guy. He’d spent almost the whole night trying to convince himself that it was just the excitement of tour. Everyone goes a bit wild the first night, but even he didn’t believe that. Deep down he knew why he did it; he was attracted to Ryan. He wanted things to go farther, but he’d stopped himself. 

He didn’t want to admit what that meant. 

—

The venue was buzzing with people. Fans had been lined up since before daybreak and with an hour till doors opened the staff was frantically trying to get things ready. This was one of the larger venues they were playing this tour which brought a certain element of excitement. Andy just hoped there wasn’t a repeat of last night. 

“Dude I wish all venues were like this.” CC gushed, filling up his plate from the buffet catering had provided. It was filled with ribs, chicken wings, fried chicken, sandwiches, chips, soda, pastries, and alcohol. All things fattening and indulgent. 

Andy wrinkled his nose at the smell of all the greasy fare. Before tour had started he had cut fats out of his diet, he’d lost a couple of pounds already. That made him feel slightly better, but he’d come to a conclusion a long time ago that he’d never like his body. 

When he was younger, he would have been right with CC, inhaling everything he could get his hands on. But that led him to be over 200 lbs, and that wasn’t a weight he wanted to be at again. He lost about 50 lbs on a pretty strict diet and workout routine when he started high school. Once he moved to L.A, he lost another 30 lbs, but that was mostly from not having enough money to eat. 

Being on tour made it easy to gain weight, and there wasn’t much opportunity to workout besides stage. The last thing Andy wanted was to give people another reason to call him names. Chubby and fat were close seconds to faggot as far as what got under his skin. 

“Are you going to eat something? Who knows when we’ll be able to eat like this again.” Ashley said, nudging the singer. 

“I’m not that hungry,” he replied, ignoring the fact that he actually was. 

“Well, you need to eat. I can’t have you passing out on stage.” Ashley insisted. 

Reluctantly Andy grabbed a plate and filled it with a few crackers and a mini sandwich. Ashley raised an eyebrow, “Is that all you’re eating? You should get some of the chicken wings they’re amazing.” 

“I’m not eating fat.”   
“That’s dumb.” Ashley rolled his eyes but didn’t fight the younger boy on it. Whatever floats his boat. 

While everyone else mingled and joked around Andy ate the little on his plate before sneaking out behind the venue for a smoke. The nicotine killed any lingering cravings and calmed his nerves a bit. Everyone was so excited to play tonight, but he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a week. He felt exhausted, and it had only been 24 hours. 

In the month they’d been off tour, he’d forgotten how taxing it was. Whenever they weren’t on tour, he struggled, and whenever he was on tour, he struggled. His mind never left him alone, there was always something eating at his spine like a fucking parasite. 

He would get lost in his mind, spiraling into darker and darker thinking. 

“Andy?”   
“What?” Andy groaned, lighting another cigarette. 

Sometimes it felt like Ashley was more of his dad than bandmate. He appreciated him and everything he did, but sometimes he just wanted to be alone. Ashley probably wanted to drag him back in there and force him to socialize. Wouldn’t he have to suffer through that enough tonight when he was forced to whatever bar they guys ended up in? 

“You need to come back inside we’ve got to get ready to go on.”   
“Already?”   
“Yeah, we’re on in ten.”   
“Fuck.” 

Andy followed his bandmate back into the venue. He could hear the crowd chanting their name from the green room. Normally it filled him with adrenaline and passion, but not tonight. He felt numb to it all like he was on autopilot. Maybe it was the lack of food or not sleeping well but day two and he was already slipping. 

“Come on man, get hyped,” Jinxx said, playfully slapping the singer’s arm. 

“I’m just nervous about a repeat of last night.”   
“Well just ignore them, that’ll piss ‘em off even more,” Jinxx replied, offering a smile as he tuned his guitar. 

“Alright you guys, take your places, curtains drop in 30 seconds” John announced, ushering them all onto the stage. 

Andy’s boots clicked as he walked out to his place, the center of the stage. He could see the sea of fans through the curtain, all eagerly awaiting his presence. Taking a deep breath, he pushed his unhappiness and misery out of his mind. He forced a cocky smile as the curtains fell, screams of fangirls made his ears ring. 

“Hello fucking Las Vegas,” he smirked, causing another eruption of screams. 

The first few songs went by quickly, Andy faked the energy he didn’t have and gave the fans the show they came for. Now it was time for his pep talk, time to tell the young impressionable fans that they could overcome anything and anyone who stood in their way. There was a time that he believed that message, but that felt like so long ago. His optimism was slowly starting to fade, and most nights he no longer believed his own words. 

“I want to talk to you all about something,” he started, the crowd quieting down. “We have a couple of songs left, but I just want to tell you guys what this band stands for. This band stands for fighting back against anyone who tells you that you can’t do something. My entire life people made fun of me and told me I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t be a singer. They told me I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t have what it takes. Those people were wrong. Don’t let anyone tell you who you can and can’t be.” 

The crowd cheered at his encouraging words as the music to Sweet Blasphemy started. He smiled at them, feeling sick to his stomach. God, when did he become such a liar…


	6. Intoxicated

The hotel room was packed with people. One of the support bands was a guy named William Control, and he’d booked one of the party rooms at the Hard Rock hotel. Currently, everyone from the tour and several people from the venue were packed into it. The cigarette smoke was so thick it was hard to see across the room, and the music was so loud Andy could hardly hear himself think. 

They were all pre-gaming here before heading out on the Vegas strip. Andy felt out of place, he was the youngest on tour and the only one who wasn’t 21. That meant that he would more than likely not be allowed into any of the casinos and bars. He didn’t understand why he even let Ashley talk him into coming. He would have been more than happy to get a full night’s rest in their hotel room. 

Ashley, however, was clearly enjoying himself. He was sandwiched between his less than amused singer and some stripper that Will knew. Andy kept checking his phone even though he knew there wasn’t anything new. He’d managed to keep himself entertained for the past hour by replying to kids on Twitter about the show. 

“Yo, Andy is it? Why don’t you have a drink in your hand man?” Will stood in front of him, his dark black hair slicked back. He looked like a fucking vampire in his black dress pants, button up white shirt and pale makeup. 

“I don’t drink.”   
“Nonsense you’re in Vegas. A few drinks ain’t gonna hurt you.” the man shoved a plastic solo cup into the singer’s hand. 

Andy looked down at it. “What is it?” 

“Sea Dew. It’s Seagram’s whiskey and Mountain Dew. It’s delicious. Try it.” Andy bit his lip, he wanted to fit in. 

He knew that he’d promised himself no drinking, that he’d stay sober, but one drink wasn’t the same as binge drinking. He took a small sip, almost gagging. The drink was more whiskey than soda that’s for sure. 

“Oh yeah, I should have warned you it’s pretty strong.” Will laughed before patting Andy on the back and disappearing back into the crowd of people. 

Andy took another drink, coughing as the bitter liquid went down his throat. How on earth did people enjoy drinking this? Absentmindedly he kept sipping on it, slowly getting used to the burn. 

“Are you drinking?” Ashley asked, pulling Andy out of his head. 

“Oh.. um yeah. I guess so.” The drink was almost completely gone, and Andy was starting to feel weird… 

His body felt warm and for once he felt.. calm. The discomfort and anxiety that normally plagued him whenever he was in a room full of strangers were almost gone. He actually felt kind of good, happy even. The constant thoughts that haunted him had gone quiet. He felt numb to everything in the best way. 

He smiled, ‘I don’t have to feel like this anymore’ he thought to himself. Oh god, for once in his life there was a way to shut all of it out. All the fear, the self-doubt, the hatred. This is why people drink… 

He thought he would care more about breaking the promise to himself, but he didn’t. If he had known that escaping the mental hell that was his head, he wouldn’t have ever made that promise. It was drugs, it was just one (rather strong) drink. There was much worse he could be doing, and being able to enjoy himself for one night wasn’t a crime. 

“Be careful.. don’t drink too much,” Ashley said, a concerned look on his face. 

He knew it was only a matter of time before Andy gave into the temptation and drank. The older man was more concerned with keeping him away from drugs. He couldn’t say that he wasn’t disappointed in the singer though. He thought he had more willpower than to just make it one tour without breaking. 

With Andy’s personality, he knew that drinking wasn’t good for him. If Ashley had learned anything from his period of trial and errors, it was that if you’ve got demons you shouldn’t be drinking. Andy sure as hell had demons… 

“I won’t.” Andy laughed. 

Andy leaned back against the couch and looked up at the lights dancing across the ceiling. He tuned out the sounds around him and focused on the feeling of being at peace in his mind. 

—

“Fuck Andy, walk straight,” Ashley growled, holding up his very drunk, very wasted singer. 

Andy giggled, leaning all of his weight on Ashley. It was around three in the morning, and he’d had several more drinks. So much for just having one drink and enjoying himself. It was hard to turn down drinks though, and random people kept offering to buy him more. They had run into a couple older fans from the venue who were eager to buy the band shots. Turns out there were a couple of bars that were a little loose on carding too. 

The Vegas strip was packed with people, most of whom were intoxicated. They’d been out all night, gambling, drinking and partying. They’d all lost quite a bit of money, but they’d regret that in the morning. 

Ashley had insisted that it was time to go back to the hotel and sleep it off. He hadn’t intended to let the singer get as drunk as he did but people kept buying the kid drinks, and he seemed to have thrown his self-control to the wind. Andy would sure as hell regret this in the morning. That would probably be for the best too, a good hangover would deter him from drinking again. 

“Ash, I feel so good.” Andy slurred. 

“Yeah, for now, let’s see if that’s still the case in a few hours.”   
“For the first time I feel free, god it’s such a good feeling.”   
“Andy, getting wasted isn’t how you deal with your problems.” the older man groaned, struggling to get Andy through the front doors of the hotel. 

“Oh hush, it’s not like you don’t do it.”   
“I don’t do it to escape my problems.” 

Andy for whatever reason decided his legs no longer worked, almost collapsing onto the floor. Ashley cursed under his breath before being forced to pick the singer up and carry him onto the elevator. Luckily the kid hardly weighed anything, but he still got some weird looks from other people. Andy mumbled all the way to their room incoherently. 

This is what he got for not keeping a closer eye on the boy. He should have let him stay at the hotel for the night, but he wanted the kid to actually have a good time. He should have known better. 

The older man set Andy down on one of the bed, the muscles in his shoulders aching from carrying him. Andy reached up for him, “Lay down with me.” 

“No, I’m going to take a shower you need to go to bed.”   
“Mmm, please?” Andy could hardly focus anymore, his vision was blurred, and the room felt like it was spinning, but he didn’t care. 

Ashley bit his lip. Andy looked more than gorgeous right now. His pale stomach was exposed thanks to his too small leather vest, and his long black hair framed his porcelain face. There he was, drunk and laid out on a hotel bed, asking for him. 

Andy grabbed Ashley’s hand, pulling him down onto the bed with him. Ashley cupped the singer’s face in his hands. “I know you want me.” Andy purred. 

“Do I now?” Ashley chuckled.

“Mhm, why wouldn’t you want me?” Andy smirked, his words slurring together. 

“But I thought you don’t go for guys?” Ashley teased.   
“Mmm and I thought you didn’t believe me?”   
“I don’t.” 

Andy tilted his head, pressing his lips against Ashley’s. The bassist hesitated before giving in and kissing the younger boy back. Ashley had also drunk quite a bit, and his better judgment was all but gone. Andy’s lips were as soft as they looked and they tasted like whiskey. 

Ashley wrapped a hand around the singer’s throat, gently squeezing it. Andy moaned into the kiss, running his fingertips up the older man’s back. Ashley knew he needed to stop the kid before it went any further. Andy was drunk, and this wasn’t right. If he were sober, he wouldn’t be doing this, and if he remembered this in the morning, he would regret it. God, he didn’t want to stop.. 

Andy was almost as intoxicating as anything he’d had to drink that night. The older man just wanted to rip his clothes off and explore every inch of his perfect body. Just like he’d planned to from day one. 

“Mm, Andy stop.” he finally managed the strength to say, pulling the singer’s hands off him. 

“Why?” Andy pouted, barely able to keep his eyes open anymore. 

“Because you’re too drunk and you need to sleep this off,” Ashley replied, sitting up and readjusting his pants. 

Andy tried to focus on what his bandmate was saying but he couldn’t. He saw Ashley get up and walk into the bathroom before blacking out.


	7. I'm Running From Myself

Andy shivered as another round of chills hit him. Every muscle in his body was throbbing, and his throat felt like he’d swallowed sandpaper. His head spun as he tried to push himself up off the bathroom floor. The singer leaned over the toilet dry heaving for the millionth time. There was nothing left in his stomach anymore, and there hadn’t been for the past two hours. He’d woken up around five in the morning with the worst hangover of his life. 

He couldn’t remember anything after the first bar they went to. All he remembered was how free and great he felt, which was the exact opposite of how he felt now. He’d overdone it but one drink just led to another, and before he knew it, he was wasted. 

“Andy you still alive in here?” Ashley’s voice broke the silence. 

“Barely..” Andy’s voice was hoarse. 

“That’s what you get for going overboard last night.” the older man chuckled, offering the singer a couple of painkillers and a glass of water. 

Andy took them, praying that they would stay down long enough to start working. He felt like his head was really about to split in half. Feeling this bad made him never want to drink again, but he couldn’t lie to himself. The previous night was the most fun he’d had in years, being able to actually enjoy going out and partying. 

“We’ve still got a few more hours before we’ve got to pack back on the bus but you’ve got to stay hydrated for the show tonight.” 

Andy groaned at the thought of going out there. He just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep forever. 

Ashley smirked, he didn’t feel too bad for the kid. Andy needed to learn his limits and if he was going to drink, he needed to learn when to cut himself off. The poor kid did look absolutely miserable though. The bassist grabbed a washcloth, running it under cold water before draping it around Andy’s neck. The singer leaned back against the bathtub, taking in a shaky breath. 

“God, how long does this last?”   
“Oh you’re going to feel like shit for a while, but you need to keep drinking.”   
“I know…” Andy carefully sipped the water. 

“Do you want to go back to bed?” the older man asked. 

Andy nodded, trying to push himself up off the floor but the dizziness overcame him. He felt Ashley’s hands steady him, guiding him through the darkened hotel room back to bed. 

“What all do you remember from last night anyway?” Ashley asked nervously, hoping that Andy didn’t remember their little make-out session. 

“I don’t remember anything after the first bar. All I remember is doing shots with this group of people. I don’t even remember how I got back here.” Andy said, covering his eyes with his arm. 

“Yeah you’re welcome for getting your ass back here,” Ashley said, feeling relieved that the singer had no recollection of anything else. He, however, remembered it quite well despite being intoxicated. 

He remembered how soft Andy’s lips were, how beautiful he was laying on that hotel bed. Half of him wished that he’d gone further, but he knew that wouldn’t have been fair to Andy. 

“Did I do anything embarrassing?” Andy asked. 

“No, not really, you were just really sociable.”   
“Yeah.. for the first time in my life I think I actually had a good time being out.” 

“Alcohol tends to do that to people.”   
“Really though, for the first time, I felt actually free… and happy you know?” 

Ashley bit his lip, that wasn’t good. “But how terrible do you feel now? You have to remember that drinking isn’t for self-medicating. And there is always a downside.” 

Andy didn’t respond. He knew that, but that didn’t change the fact that he wanted that feeling back. The anxiety and horrible thoughts were already flooding back into his mind. He just wanted them gone.

—

After almost a whole day of feeling like absolute death, Andy was starting to question how anyone in his band managed to party almost nightly. The rest of the guys on the tour seemed completely fine but it took Andy almost everything in him to make it through the night’s show. The crowd didn’t seem to notice his less than stellar performance and if they did, they didn’t care. Now Vegas was nothing but a memory as the next day brought a new city in a new state. 

The clouds above the singer’s head were dark and the air smelled like rain. He felt sorry for the line of kids standing in front of the venue, doors didn’t open for another hour. Andy was getting in as many cigarettes as he could before the skies opened up and made it miserable. The joys of being a smoker… 

Normally after the first cigarette, he felt calmer, but that didn’t seem to be working tonight. His head was full of anxiety and racing thoughts. The whole situation with Ryan was still haunting him and not only that but he’d managed to fuck up his promise to himself within the first few days of tour. He wished he’d never gone to that stupid party. 

Deep down the young boy knew that he was lying to himself. While he wasn’t proud of himself for breaking his no drinking rule he was more upset over how it made him feel. That was the first night he’d been free from the torture of his own mind in years.. all just after a few drinks. It scared him, that’s why people get plastered because they’re trying to medicate themselves. That’s why people get addicted… 

As much as he hated the hangover, he wanted that feeling back. He wanted to be able to enjoy tour, to enjoy being on stage and to be present in the moment. Right now he felt the exact opposite like he was crawling inside his own skin. There was a lump in his throat that he couldn’t swallow and a feeling in the pit of his stomach that made it hard to breathe. 

“Think it’s going to rain?” a deep voice asked from behind. 

“Looks like it..” Andy turned around, William was standing behind him. His black hair was slicked back with what was probably an entire bottle of hair gel and he was wearing his signature black slacks and white button up. He looked like a damn vampire. 

“Might as well get a few cigs in while it’s dry I guess.” he sighed, pulling out his lighter and a cigarette. 

“That’s what I’ve been doing.”   
“So what happened after you guys left the party? You were pretty wasted.”   
“I don’t remember…” 

“Fuck some strippers?” Will laughed, nudging the singer. 

“Who knows?” Andy forced a smile. 

“You know I’ve got a pretty expensive bottle of whiskey on my bus I’ve been waiting to try. Care to join me?”  
“Before the show?”   
“Yeah, helps you get into the mood, nothing like cigarettes and whiskey before a kick-ass show.” 

Andy bit his lip. His promise was already broken, and he had to admit he wanted that feeling back. One drink wouldn’t hurt him, he’d just gone overboard the night before. Just one glass and that would relax him enough to not have a fucking panic attack on stage… 

“Um.. sure why not?”


	8. The Calm Before The Storm

Will handed Andy a crystal glass filled with an amber brown liquid and ice cubes. The singer hesitated before bringing it to his lips and sipping it. He had to stop himself from wincing, this shit was intense… 

“Good isn’t it? Costs me a pretty penny but you’ve got to treat yourself right?”   
“It’s good.” Andy nodded, taking another small sip. 

He couldn’t fathom why anyone would pay so much money for such an awful tasting thing. He didn’t like it at all, but he was desperate to stop the shaky feeling that was taking him over. Will sat down next to him, leaning back against the leather couch. 

“You feeling alright tonight? You look kind of shaken up,” he commented. 

“Just.. anxious.”  
“About what? The show? It’ll go fine. Those kids adore you.”   
“Just about life I guess.. getting used to touring isn’t easy.” 

Will looked down at his glass and sighed. He knew how the kid felt, he was a tour veteran at this point, but he still remembered what it was like those first few tours. It’s hard being in the public eye and there is a lot of pressure to not fuck up. 

“I know it’s tough starting out man, but it’s worth it. You’ve just got to get used to the life is all.” 

Andy took another sip of the whiskey. There was so much inside of him that he wished he could confess to. So many insecurities and thoughts that tortured him. There wasn’t anyone he could trust his secrets with though. He was afraid that speaking them would only make them more real, and the thought of anyone know just how fucked up he was scared him. 

He just wanted to be confident, like the person he pretended to be for the fans. He was so tired of the constant anxiety, the constant loneliness, the depression that seemed to consume him, the constant dieting and hunger pains, the hatred of every inch of his body, and the nagging knowledge that he was living a lie. 

Will took notice to Andy’s silence, refilling the boy’s glass and patting him on the back. “I know we’ve only really just met but if you ever need advice from someone who’s been there before just ask..” 

“Thanks,” Andy said, forcing a smile. 

—

Andy closed his eyes, taking a long drag from his cigarette. The blissful feeling from the previous night had taken hold of him again. Will and he had ended up finishing half the bottle of whiskey off. The singer’s body felt heavy, but his mind was free. 

“So what made you start?” the older man asked, nodding towards the pack of cigarettes on the table. 

“Smoking? I was sixteen and thought it was cool.” Andy had lied, he’d started because he knew that was what the girls at school did to keep from overeating. Nicotine killed his appetite. 

“It’s such a nasty habit, isn’t it. God, I’ve been smoking so long. Everyone around me did so I figured why not, now it just helps keep the edge off.” Will laughed. 

“Well it’s almost stage time, we should probably make our way inside before they think we’re missing or something,” he added, standing up. 

Andy pushed himself off the couch, his legs felt like noodles under him. His head spun from getting up too fast and drinking on an empty stomach. “You must be a lightweight.” Will commented, helping the boy steady himself. 

The younger boy looked up at Will, he was quite the attractive guy. Andy had to admit he didn’t want to go on stage, he wanted to enjoy this feeling some more. He felt alive and… happy? 

“Probably shouldn’t have let you drink that much. Whoops.”   
“No, no, I’m fine.” Andy insisted, slurring his words slightly. 

Will helped him down the steps off the bus and into the venue. Inside it was already hot and muggy from the hundreds of people packed in. Andy could hardly hear himself think as he made his way into the green room. Will was on next then them.

Ashley knew Andy was drunk the second he walked through the door. This thin legs almost gave out from under him every few steps as he walked over to the couch. He had no idea where the kid had been for the past hour or where he’d gotten the booze from, but he was furious. They were on in less than 45 minutes and here he was barely able to stand. 

“Andy. Are you drunk?” Ashley asked, walking over to the boy. 

The singer smelt heavily like whiskey, and his crystal blue eyes were bloodshot. Andy smirked and shook his head, “Don’t worry I’m fine.” 

Ashley tried to hide his anger and disappointment in the boy, he didn’t want to get into it before the show. Hopefully, the kid would be able to get out there, sing for all of a half hour without incident. He didn’t understand why Andy was acting this way. For as long as the older man had known him Andy had always been completely sober. Now here he was drunk off his ass for the second time in a matter of a few days. 

If this was his way of solving his problems, he was heading down a hazardous road. “You’re drunk, don’t lie to me.” 

“I just had a few drinks with Will, calm down.”   
“BEFORE the show? Look if you want to drink fine, but can you not wait until after the show? Did you learn nothing from the last time?” 

“Hey don’t yell at me. You drink before shows all the time.”   
“And? I’m older than you, and I know my limits. You however clearly don’t. This isn’t a good look on you. What happened to the kid that had self-control around alcohol?” 

Andy was done being lectured. Ashley had no idea what it was like for him. If he did, he wouldn’t blame him for wanting to escape for a few hours. Artists perform drunk all the time, it wasn’t exactly a huge deal. Besides, he’d drank twice that was far from the problem Ashley was making it out to be. 

“Fuck off.” 

Ashley mumbled something about him being a ‘goddamn bitch’ before storming off. 

—

The entire show was a blur to the singer. He vaguely remembered forgetting the words to Knives and Pens and begging the crowd to sing for him. He was pretty sure he sang an entire song laying on the floor, and he was also pretty sure he’d almost puked during their encore. 

Ashley, on the other hand, remembered the shit show perfectly. By the time they went on stage Andy was wasted. He kept slurring the words to songs and completely forgot the words more than a few times. Ashley thought things couldn’t get worse, but of course, they did. Andy ended up on the floor, borderline in tears begging the crowd to sing for him. All the other guys were mortified at the display, but the fans still ate it up. In fact, they seemed to have gotten a kick out of Andy’s drunken display. 

Several of them had recorded parts, and Ashley knew clips would be up online by the next morning. Fucking great, here they were trying to prove to everyone they were serious, and now there would be videos of Andy drunk off his ass. Not exactly the image that producers and investors want to see. 

Ashley grabbed Andy by the arm, yanking him down the hall to the dressing room. Andy stumbled, almost falling and bringing the bassist down with him. “Get your ass up and walk,” Ashley growled. 

“Why are you fucking acting like this?” Ashley demanded, pinning the younger boy against the wall. 

Andy didn’t respond. “Fucking answer me. You think that shit out there was cute? You think that’s how we’re going to make it? Do you realize how much of a goddamn embarrassment you were out there?” 

Andy was starting to sober up, and the words hit him like knives. Was he really that bad? “I drink two times, and you act like I’m a fucking alcoholic?” 

“Andy tonight was unacceptable. If you want to fucking drink, then learn how to do so responsibly. And do it after the fucking show where you can’t embarrass the band!” Ashley’s yelling was making Andy’s head throb. 

“Can you not yell at me? I’m fucking sorry okay? I didn’t think I was going to get drunk. It just happened.”   
“Bullshit. You wanted to get drunk, so you could fucking ‘feel free’ like you said the other day.” Ashley said, using the singer’s words against him. 

That was why Andy knew he couldn’t confide in anyone. They’d just end up using it against him. Andy had been honest with Ashley about how drinking had made him feel. Only one little comment and now it was being used against him. 

“Stop yelling at me.” Andy groaned, his stomach starting to churn. 

“Then don’t pull this shit again,” Ashley said, letting the singer free. 

Andy pushed past Ashley in time to make it over to the trash can before getting sick. His throat burned and his chest felt like it was on fire. Ashley sighed and walked over, holding the boy’s long hair back out of his face. 

“Promise me you won’t do this again?” Ashley asked softly, a hint of concern in his voice. 

“I-I won’t,” Andy said, not knowing if he was telling the truth or not.


End file.
